You are beautiful because you let yourself feel, and that is a brave thing indeed.
My heart hurts. I talked to him today, and of course, he acted like I was irritating the hell out of him just by speaking to him. “It doesn’t matter what the problem is. We ain’t gonna work, so find someone else.” Ha. Find someone else. After all the time and feelings I’ve invested into him, he just expects me to find someone else. Just like that. As if the only reason this hurts is that I don’t have someone to call me “baby” anymore. I don’t know where the hell his head is right now, but I can’t wrap my mind around this.
I know I won’t ever fully understand this, and it’s irking the hell out of me. He’s pretty much taking his life frustrations out on me, and I just don’t get why he tried to reconcile after cutting me out of his life, just to do it again. I know I didn’t do anything wrong. He knows I didn’t do anything wrong. Why am I being punished for trying to love him?
I think what really gets me the most about this whole thing is that he’ll probably be back. Maybe not any time soon, but eventually. I could be wrong, of course, but my gut is telling me he will. Hell, he said even worse things to me the last time, and I wasn’t sure I’d ever hear from him again. Then, exactly a week later, he was sending me texts. I shouldn’t have budged then, but I know I have to be prepared to say no if he does try this again.
As much as I love him, and probably always will, I can’t do this back and forth shit with him. IF we end up together later, and by later I mean much later, he has seriously got to learn to handle stress better than this; he’s got to grow the hell up, and he has to really prove that he’s serious about me. The odds of that happening are slim to none, though, and I think I’m too afraid to be hurt like this again to let him in. I love him from the bottom of my heart but there’s a huge wall up with his name all over it, so I think I better just cut my losses, pack up my feelings, and move the hell on.
I can’t settle for being miserable or kind of happy just to avoid letting him go.